Hiatus...

After careful consideration, I've decided to take a break. I've come to a crossroad. My writings seem to be focused on a very specific subject and I feel it is time to change. I believe, If you change your thoughts, you change the world. I'm ready for new trees to blossom in my mind. I have spent the past few months focusing on deceit, lies, and betrayal. In other words, I've been focusing on hate and pain. Negative thoughts and feelings took over me. Because of that, I wasn't able to notice my many blessings. When I return, I hope to have some new and improved pieces of writings. A new love is on the way and I have a feeling that this one is a genuine and honest keeper. Lata b.spot!

To be continued..

I've had a taste of love.
It was stolen from my mouth.
I fought to have it back.
I ended up shooting myself.
There's a bullet hole in my chest.
Love left me here wounded.
I covered it with a bandage.
Only he can remove it.

See, I'm Kblissless today but this time I'm okay. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, and I'm not replacing love with hate. The snow storm has long passed. A hot head and a cold heart accomplishes nothing. I understand where this path has led me. I'm open to new possibilities and I'm floating free. I have tasted love. Even though it has been taken away from me, I'm not fighting for it anymore. Tonight I will wrap up in my own arms and though I can't reach I'll pretend to rub my own back. I will look in the mirror and tell myself those I loves you I so badly want to hear. I will surprise my own self with gifts of care. I'm no longer looking for him to be my knight in shining or rusty armour. I'm with me and I value you me. If he couldn't see my worth then oh well. I don't care. I've tasted a love that probably was never there. I will not pressure anyone to love me. Either you do or you don't but I know where I stand. 

Fuck!

She said, "Fuck him". I told him, "Fuck you". He asked, "Fuck me, when?" I turned around just to see that he had his dick out! (you got the pussy now go)

Funny? Not really. This shows how the communication between men, women, and friends is totally "fucked up". Love.. What does it mean to you? What does it mean to a man? What does it mean to a woman? What does it mean when she says, "Fuck love"?

Usually, caused by deceit and dishonesty, love becomes a PANG! It becomes that one thing you HATE to want but NEED to have. How can I love you if I don't trust you? How can I believe that you are actually thinking with your brain and not just thinking with you dick when everytime I turn around you are acting like a brainless dick? (Did you "fuck her"? usually the answer is YES but hidden by the response of a no I swear on ... or to ....)

What is it that we are running to then just as fast running from? Yes, love hurts. So does a fucking tattoo!! No, love isn't perfect and love isn't always reciprocated the way we want to be... So what is it that we do with it? Walk away and say "FUCK IT"! Toughen our skin so that the next person that comes along and makes us a little curious, a little eager, a little "turned on" has an even harder time to get in.

What I do know is that I don't know anything at all about this fascinating bullshit called love. However, I love love and although I hate that it hurts at times, it's a pain that I seem to keep running back for more. On the other hand, you can't love me with your dick hanging out. I don't need it. I'd rather "fuck myself". (feel the vibration)

In closing, don't come knocking on my "fucking" door unless you are ready to love me with your heart. The dick line is pretty damn long and I'm not letting any in right now. (my intercom isn't working so buzz off dick)

:(

Woke up this morning
blood dripping from my eyes
pretending to smile
I walked upside down
Swallowing my pride
Was it good enough for you?
Watching her frown
as she shook
Shivered and cried
....

I'm having a difficult time comprehending the evil of this world. Why are people so horrible? Why are people so down right bad? Where is the empathy? At what point do we forget that we are all humans? Some people were just born devilish, selfish, heartless, and careless. This innate passion to make things better is going to be the death of me. I spend so much time worrying about making things better that I can't even get a good night's sleep. My eyes burn, my head hurts, my heart is weak.. But I'm still a fighter. I will selflessly do what I can for who I can while I can. I've been created to make a difference. Some say that I'm too nice. I greet people who I should over look. No, I'm human. You never know what a simple hello can do for a person. The universe has a way of working for and against you. Your natural self will draw both bad and good. If you are a genuinely good hearted person, you will be surrounded by more good than bad. If you are naturally a selfish bad spirited person, you will be hit with a lot of hardship. I wish more people weren't afraid to give and to just help. No, not only people you know, but people you don't know. Anyway, tonight I'm going to cut this short. My head is all over the place. I can't begin to fathom why anyone would harm a 3year old child. My heart aches for all victims of abuse. Goodnight

Short & sweet

I'm opening my heart back up to the universe. It hasn't fully healed and I haven't let go completely but I'm refusing to keep myself guarded. I was asked "how can you be presented with a good man if you continue to hold onto a bad one?" Excellent reality invoking question. Why did I hold on so long? Well, I was given a taste of something I had been craving. I wanted to have that back. I was addicted to that initial high. But just like crack, you never get that first high back. You just keep chasing and chasing until you're fucked up in the game. I'm in rehab. Crack is wack. When you realize some one you love doesn't love you the same way, it causes a detoxing whirlwind. My emotions were all over the place. I was up, I was down, I was happy, I was sad, I was pissed, I was understanding, I felt self pity, I felt self hatred, I can go on and on. The bottom line is this, when you know, you know. Don't be afraid to trust yourself and let go. If it is not your fault, then don't carry the weight of blame. I did everything the way I was supposed to do it. It just didn't work. By next week, I'll be over it. I have taken my life back. I am working on taking my thoughts back. The man who deserves me will be presented to me very soon. He will be able to love me at my worst and flow with me at my best. He will not feel the need to overpower me because he will be secure enough in his manhood that no matter how strong I may seem, he will know his place as head of the household. He will love my free spirit and my insightful nature and he will encourage me to read more. He will be emotionally giving and sensitive enough to feel my feelings without feeling like he is any less of a man. Most importantly he will value my individuality and love the fact that this independent woman needs him. My man will know my worth and won't give me up for any other man to have. I will love him equally. I will see his strengths and help improve his flaws. I will accept what he doesn't want to change and I won't hate him for putting his foot down. I will embrace his dreams and support his decisions. Oh my God, as I type this I'm feeling happy and excited. I'm so eager to embark on this journey. In the meantime, I will work on mending my heart. I'm done wasting time on a guy who isn't truly worth it. It's funny, in the beginning when he asked me if he was worth it, I told him I couldn't answer that question. Now if he were to ask me, I'd say "hell no". Like flava flava said, "YOUR TIME IS UP". I waited long enough for him to fix the problem and come around. He didn't so I know it is over.

Lock Jaw

Too much talking. Too much pseudo-communication. Talking is not enough. There comes a time when you have to take action. If you are not where you want to be in this world or doing the things you want to do, then stop thinking about it and take steps forward. If you are in relationships that aren't going the way you want them to go, if all you find yourself doing is talking, arguing, and complaining, then take steps to do what makes you happy. I've decided along time ago that my happiness is vital. My peace of mind is what will keep me sane while everyone else goes crazy. My contentment cannot be based on some one else's behaviors. I work 2 jobs, I pay my own bills, I find my own shelter, I do my own laundry, I breathe my own oxygen, and I walk on my own two feet. Life goes on. I'm learning to live and laugh. I already have the love part down packed. If you aren't moving forward with me, then you're dead weight and I'm dropping you.
I've decided to take my life back. I have found my place in nature and I'm able to relax. Inhale.... Exhale.... Deep conscious breathing really does help. Although the pain still exists, I no longer feel the need to bash in anyone's skull with a cement block. My anger, my rage is slowly disappearing. Yes, I still hate him but I'm working on that too. I first have to change my perspective. I have to stop feeling victimized. Every second, every minute, and every day is a step toward getting back on track. No more talking about it. My jaw is locked!

letter to me..

Dear my beautiful self,
I have let you down. I have willingly allowed you to place yourself in a situation that caused you nothing but harm. I let you hurt yourself. For that, I have failed you. I apologize. I allowed you to be weakened by lies and to have faith in deceit. I'm sorry. You innocently fell in love with some one who wasn't ready to catch you. I didn't protect you. I'm sorry for allowing you to hear broken promises constantly to believe in them everytime. I'm sorry for causing you to cry and to be sad at times when you should be floating and happy. I should have been stronger for you. I should have built you a tougher wall for protection. While you begged for outside love, I should have stopped you. I should have showered you with self love and limited the endurance of unnecessary pain. I should not have allowed you to offer yourself to a receiver knowing that he wasn't ready for such a delicate and precious gift. I'm sorry that you had to beg for some one to love you just to be left in the end.
So today, I'll make it up to you. I will tell you that you are beautiful especially when you doubt it. I will glorify your intelligence and prove to you that you are smart. I will stop you from waiting and hoping that this guy will call. I will spend my time improving your self love and self trust. I will stop you from thinking about and looking for the guy to come back. I will teach how to let him go. I will offer you distractions of varying types. I will help patch you up and brighten your eyes again. But, first you must learn to forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive me, forgive him and you will grow. You are amazing, you are powerful, you are loving, you are deserving of the utmost respect and care this world has to offer. You are valuable. Don't waste it on anger, on hate, on longing for something that doesn't exist. Next you must learn acceptance. Not all people belong in your life. Let them go. Let him go. He lied and ppl lie when they are weak. You are strong. Lastly, you will learn courage. Move on. Try something new. Be around open minded excited ppl. Surround yourself with peace.
I love you.
From Self

Healing..

Today I am smiling. Reality has set in. I was duped by a loser. He reached while I settled. I'm so over the facade of love created by this beast. He had no soul and he had no heart. He had shifty eyes with a serpent's tongue. He achieved a notch in his belt. That's fine. One win but too bad he doesn't have the grand prize. I was a fool smitten by an overweight, insecure, insensitive demon. Ha, evil doesn't prevail this time. I'm repaired. Time wasted on a guy who uses love as a fishing pole, no longer. I released the bait and jumped out of the sea. I'm no longer an option. There is probably one fish left in that sea for him to catch. It's a puny little gold fish with no spine. A funny looking fish that not many men want. Trust me, I've seen the fish and I've shown the fish and everyone's thoughts are the same. Ilk! Who would want that fish in their bowl? Lol, this beast has no beauty only a goldfish for love. Fat ppl need to pay like they weigh so they can stay baby.. Over and Out.
AlphaRaine drops the mic and exits stage left...

broken.

When you know, you know. Trust your instincts. It is natures quiet gift.
Life is a journey of risks. We are born with two fears; the fear of a loud sound and the fear of falling.
My instincts were screaming loudly as I took the risk to fall. I awoke from my unconscious state surrounded by a pool of blood caused by the deep gaping hole in my chest. I struggled to catch my breath as I realized I was drowning in my own tears that no one attempted to wipe up. Hurt! Damaged! Alone! I slowly became aware that in the end, life goes on as long as your brain is not dead. If you can feel the pain, then you can figure out how to heal. Today, I'm my own doctor. I am my own nurse. I am my own surgeon painfully struggling to restore the broken pieces. There is no anesthesia to numb this excruciating pain but my brain won't let me quit. I hate that I love love. It is such a painfully pleasurable pain. What goes up must come down unless it is in a place to defy gravity. I leaped into the arms of a turned back. I guess I landed at the wrong time. Broken.

In love? Finally...

Is this love that I'm feeling? I have not a care or worry in the world. I'm floating. I'm above myself watching as I dance to the melody in my head. Sounds so hypnotizing that I wouldn't even notice walking threw thorn bushes. "Baby, I'm yours." All mine? I'm a fucking winner. I got what I asked for, what I've been longing for, but most importantly I have been giving what I need. I finally understand what it means when you're told that "you are the yin to my Yang." I want this feeling to last forever and ever and ever. I'm grateful that I didn't have enough balls to take that jump into the Hudson river. I have been given the opportunity of a lifetime. I started over with a new friend who is the most amazing girl and I have been given a real love in the form of an amazing man. My support system is growing and I'm loving it. Yes, I think I'm totally in love with the tools I've been given to survive this earthly demise.
"give me liberty or give me death but don't give me a life without lovers."

Poison..

Singing.. "That girl is poison. Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl is poison, poison... You'll fall in love and you'll be screaming dreaming poison."
He said I was poison. But he wants the first sip. Unfortunately, he can't have it. I wish I could find a princess for this prince charming. He deserves to be loved. Damn, how crazy is that? My life is a fairy tale of unrequited love. He loves me, I love him, and he loves her. Where is the fucking witch when I need her? Come take my poison and put it in an Apple so that I can give my papa bear a bite.
I'm a maniac maniac for your love.. Speaking of love.. Ha ha.. a recurring topic I suppose. Today, I spent valuable time with an old lover turned new friend. She is beautiful. I touched her hair and I wanted to devour her right there but I didn't. Our newfound friendship is more important and pleasurable than any sexual act. Besides, I already know what she tastes like. Mmm, yummy.. I'm ready to know what her brain is like. Tonight she let me inside her. She shared so much with me that I felt doped up. I was on a natural adrenaline induced high. I so needed that. She helped alleviate some of the Kblissless withdrawal symptoms. Nope not fully recovered. Is it wrong that I pray for papa and mama bear to break up and for me to get with daddy bear? Hell no it's not wrong. LOL! (My sinister laugh) Anyway, he is not my main focus tonight. Beauty is her name and she is who I'm talking about. In life we get second chances. She and I were meant to be friends. We didn't do it right the first time. Wasted time on the wrong kind of loving. Now we have an opportunity to do it right this time around. I welcome the journey. So tonight I leave you with this.. If you are given a second chance, take it and don't make the same mistake. Only an idiot does the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Goodnight.
Songs of the day
The knowing - the weeknd
Reunited - peaches & herb
Baby I'm ready - levert

Realize..

Today was a bit rough for me. I was feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it was my lack of sleep or maybe it was the reasons behind my lack of sleep that had me feeling like shit. You know, there are multiple sides to every story. For some reason, we humans have a hard time comprehending stories that we haven't created. Anyway, I am not going to share too much with the wall today. I'm slowly trying to heal and recover. What I will share is that I'm starting to look at the glass as a quarter full instead of three quarters empty. I have a few people in my corner who do value me as a person and I need to focus on them instead of focusing on the ones that I don't have. Today, the one person who wiped my tears, rubbed my back, and offered to take me out of the house is the same person who I spent the past few days hating. I truly appreciate him eventhough we have this love hate relationship. Too bad my heart is with the one person who isn't able to take care of it. In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy my night with one of the few friends I have who genuinely cares about me. I can tell because he puts his feelings aside for my well-being. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more interesting post.

In closing.. "Get what you want, what you need, what you deserve.. & make sure you give it back to the universe. Recycle your blessings."

Pondering @ 4am

Waking up to a txt, from a person I barely hear from, that reads.. "Missing you in a different way so I can't hang because you are not good for me." Wow. What beautiful pain and honesty. How does one respond to such a txt? We were each others bestfriends during our relationship although it was a very unhealthy one. A simple invite to the beach turned into a whirl wind of memories. It's over for me. I don't like to move backward. I prefer to travel paths never travelled. But what she can't know and will never understand is the depths of my love for her. She was such a delicate flower. I tried to water, protect, and nurture her but that wasn't supposed to be my job. I wasn't stable enough mentally to teach some one else how to be stable. It was an overwhelming task that caused necessary heartache. Today, I'm improved because of her and the innocent affection she had and needed to have for me. Slowly understanding my role on this planet with every failed relationship. Seems I'm here to assist others in gaining their happiness usually at the expense of my own. You know what, that's okay. I'm made pretty damn tough. Durable, rugged and filled with enough love to fall in it and keep myself protected. All these honest emotions from everyone makes me feel like my knight(ess) must be arriving soon. Life is clearing the path so that I can welcome him/her with wide open arms. Well atleast that is what I'm telling myself. If not, I will just continue encouraging others to do better and get better because they deserve better. And while my heart breaks with every failed attempt, I'll wait for the rain to fall and heal me so that I can get up and try again. I love, love but who will love me? Unconditionally...

Goodnight

I Love You..

Who is going to love me down? What happened to all that Love and Happiness Al? & Sorry Carl, I don't want to be no summer rain, summer fling. This ain't no seasonal thing... But wait, the rain tonight is beautiful. I could just Xscape to my spot and sleep in the car as it rains down on me. Oh well, I'm getting all the wrong "rain" offers tonight. If another person tries to get my goodies, not my goodies, I'm just going to become a nun and forget about all this weak in the knees I can hardly speak shit. Jeez us help me so that doesn't have to happen. Um, they say be careful what you ask for so God let me clearly say, DON'T take away my whip appeal or better yet, my sex appeal. I just want you to shower me with more love, more lovers, more options. *wink*
Well, over all today was another good day. I spent a lot of time reflecting on the usual, love or in my case the lack there of. I have been in love a few times in my day. Each lover has been different from the others. Obviously, based on what I'm typing, these loves didn't last. This last one was a bit different though. He actually pulled my card and yup I pulled his. Now it's like a Mexican stand off waiting for some one to make the next move. The next decision. Pull the plug, do not resuscitate, you may use your last lifeline type of stuff. The truth is though, I know how the story ends...

I knew it when I was 15 and twelve years later I know it now.. Read previous blog for a better understanding...

I'm tough and I'd fight but you can't fight for something that's not yours.
Feeling like tonight should be a movie night... Love and Basketball.. Antwone Fischer.. Some loving tear jerking film with a bottle of wine. Hmmmmm

My eye isn't twitching as much...

Another day, another dollar. Well.. not really. I'm broke as hell! Anyway, today was a day filled with laughter, love, and honesty. The truth shall set you free. I'm no longer feeling chained down by the weight of uncertainity. I opened my eyes and I exhaled.. On another note, I came across a few of my old writings online. I shared it with my buddy and he was intrigued by the feelings I expressed at such a young age. As I read it, I felt like "damn. something needs to change because these are feelings I know all too well." They say history repeats itself. So tonight I'm sharing with the wall a few links to the old pieces that I found..

Check out http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/
My poet name back in the day was mistyblue

http://thestarlitecafe.com/poems/47/poem_6100247414.html

http://thestarlitecafe.com/poems/54/poem_8233133791.html


wow.. same painful love over and over again.. let's analyze this!

'Unconscious Love'

Very Often My Feelings Wish Me In A Coffin

Six Feet Under My Body's Pain Slumbers

Awakening To The Callings Of Other's Apalling

Lifestyles Begging To Be Changed Redirected And Tamed

Wild Animals Clawing At My Senses

Noticing Everything Is Hidden By Fences

Enclosed Is My Heart Opened And Being Pulled Apart

From The Sadness That Lures The Gladness Is Soft As Fur

Around My Neck Choking Me With Madness

I'm Crazy Over You And I Don't Know What To Do

But Say I Love You More And More Every Day

More Than Life Itself So Since I Can't Have You

There Is No Need To Fight This Hell

I'm Taken Away With Tears My Eyes Swell Up Because I've Been Fuk'd Up My Head Is Ringing Like A Bell I've Slipped Up And Now I Fell(unconscious).

Welcome to KBlissless..

It has been a mighty long time since I've written, let alone blogged. Life has a way of making you do random things at the weirdest times. I find myself in situations doing things that I never thought possible. Why am I writing blogs again? Well, some one confused my saying that I'm writing in the log for writing a blog. Hell, that's a real sign from God. (If you believe in that sort of thing. some days I do some days I don't) "It's time to write again. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today." I'm rusty, I'm dusty, and my writing is down right infantile. Nonetheless, I'm still going to share it with the wall. The same person has been on my mind all day. It sucks because those thoughts caused me to write a piece of kiddie poetry..

running along,
playing in the field
butterflies birds
daffodils
peace of mind
surrounding me
all alone in my
solitude
didn't realize I
was unhappy til
I noticed you
ring around the rosie
rolling down hills
hand in hand
stopping
for a moment picking
daffodils
eyes watery
some one to hold me
rain falling,
gone left lonely
looked for you
nowhere to be found
you ran for shelter
i fell to the ground
her heart
was in question
i learned my lesson
crying, drowning, flooding
daffodils

Anyway, this is the start of an old beginning.. Tah tah for now, I'm going back to the log.