In love? Finally...

Is this love that I'm feeling? I have not a care or worry in the world. I'm floating. I'm above myself watching as I dance to the melody in my head. Sounds so hypnotizing that I wouldn't even notice walking threw thorn bushes. "Baby, I'm yours." All mine? I'm a fucking winner. I got what I asked for, what I've been longing for, but most importantly I have been giving what I need. I finally understand what it means when you're told that "you are the yin to my Yang." I want this feeling to last forever and ever and ever. I'm grateful that I didn't have enough balls to take that jump into the Hudson river. I have been given the opportunity of a lifetime. I started over with a new friend who is the most amazing girl and I have been given a real love in the form of an amazing man. My support system is growing and I'm loving it. Yes, I think I'm totally in love with the tools I've been given to survive this earthly demise.
"give me liberty or give me death but don't give me a life without lovers."

Poison..

Singing.. "That girl is poison. Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl is poison, poison... You'll fall in love and you'll be screaming dreaming poison."
He said I was poison. But he wants the first sip. Unfortunately, he can't have it. I wish I could find a princess for this prince charming. He deserves to be loved. Damn, how crazy is that? My life is a fairy tale of unrequited love. He loves me, I love him, and he loves her. Where is the fucking witch when I need her? Come take my poison and put it in an Apple so that I can give my papa bear a bite.
I'm a maniac maniac for your love.. Speaking of love.. Ha ha.. a recurring topic I suppose. Today, I spent valuable time with an old lover turned new friend. She is beautiful. I touched her hair and I wanted to devour her right there but I didn't. Our newfound friendship is more important and pleasurable than any sexual act. Besides, I already know what she tastes like. Mmm, yummy.. I'm ready to know what her brain is like. Tonight she let me inside her. She shared so much with me that I felt doped up. I was on a natural adrenaline induced high. I so needed that. She helped alleviate some of the Kblissless withdrawal symptoms. Nope not fully recovered. Is it wrong that I pray for papa and mama bear to break up and for me to get with daddy bear? Hell no it's not wrong. LOL! (My sinister laugh) Anyway, he is not my main focus tonight. Beauty is her name and she is who I'm talking about. In life we get second chances. She and I were meant to be friends. We didn't do it right the first time. Wasted time on the wrong kind of loving. Now we have an opportunity to do it right this time around. I welcome the journey. So tonight I leave you with this.. If you are given a second chance, take it and don't make the same mistake. Only an idiot does the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Goodnight.
Songs of the day
The knowing - the weeknd
Reunited - peaches & herb
Baby I'm ready - levert

Realize..

Today was a bit rough for me. I was feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it was my lack of sleep or maybe it was the reasons behind my lack of sleep that had me feeling like shit. You know, there are multiple sides to every story. For some reason, we humans have a hard time comprehending stories that we haven't created. Anyway, I am not going to share too much with the wall today. I'm slowly trying to heal and recover. What I will share is that I'm starting to look at the glass as a quarter full instead of three quarters empty. I have a few people in my corner who do value me as a person and I need to focus on them instead of focusing on the ones that I don't have. Today, the one person who wiped my tears, rubbed my back, and offered to take me out of the house is the same person who I spent the past few days hating. I truly appreciate him eventhough we have this love hate relationship. Too bad my heart is with the one person who isn't able to take care of it. In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy my night with one of the few friends I have who genuinely cares about me. I can tell because he puts his feelings aside for my well-being. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more interesting post.

In closing.. "Get what you want, what you need, what you deserve.. & make sure you give it back to the universe. Recycle your blessings."

Pondering @ 4am

Waking up to a txt, from a person I barely hear from, that reads.. "Missing you in a different way so I can't hang because you are not good for me." Wow. What beautiful pain and honesty. How does one respond to such a txt? We were each others bestfriends during our relationship although it was a very unhealthy one. A simple invite to the beach turned into a whirl wind of memories. It's over for me. I don't like to move backward. I prefer to travel paths never travelled. But what she can't know and will never understand is the depths of my love for her. She was such a delicate flower. I tried to water, protect, and nurture her but that wasn't supposed to be my job. I wasn't stable enough mentally to teach some one else how to be stable. It was an overwhelming task that caused necessary heartache. Today, I'm improved because of her and the innocent affection she had and needed to have for me. Slowly understanding my role on this planet with every failed relationship. Seems I'm here to assist others in gaining their happiness usually at the expense of my own. You know what, that's okay. I'm made pretty damn tough. Durable, rugged and filled with enough love to fall in it and keep myself protected. All these honest emotions from everyone makes me feel like my knight(ess) must be arriving soon. Life is clearing the path so that I can welcome him/her with wide open arms. Well atleast that is what I'm telling myself. If not, I will just continue encouraging others to do better and get better because they deserve better. And while my heart breaks with every failed attempt, I'll wait for the rain to fall and heal me so that I can get up and try again. I love, love but who will love me? Unconditionally...

Goodnight

I Love You..

Who is going to love me down? What happened to all that Love and Happiness Al? & Sorry Carl, I don't want to be no summer rain, summer fling. This ain't no seasonal thing... But wait, the rain tonight is beautiful. I could just Xscape to my spot and sleep in the car as it rains down on me. Oh well, I'm getting all the wrong "rain" offers tonight. If another person tries to get my goodies, not my goodies, I'm just going to become a nun and forget about all this weak in the knees I can hardly speak shit. Jeez us help me so that doesn't have to happen. Um, they say be careful what you ask for so God let me clearly say, DON'T take away my whip appeal or better yet, my sex appeal. I just want you to shower me with more love, more lovers, more options. *wink*
Well, over all today was another good day. I spent a lot of time reflecting on the usual, love or in my case the lack there of. I have been in love a few times in my day. Each lover has been different from the others. Obviously, based on what I'm typing, these loves didn't last. This last one was a bit different though. He actually pulled my card and yup I pulled his. Now it's like a Mexican stand off waiting for some one to make the next move. The next decision. Pull the plug, do not resuscitate, you may use your last lifeline type of stuff. The truth is though, I know how the story ends...

I knew it when I was 15 and twelve years later I know it now.. Read previous blog for a better understanding...

I'm tough and I'd fight but you can't fight for something that's not yours.
Feeling like tonight should be a movie night... Love and Basketball.. Antwone Fischer.. Some loving tear jerking film with a bottle of wine. Hmmmmm

My eye isn't twitching as much...

Another day, another dollar. Well.. not really. I'm broke as hell! Anyway, today was a day filled with laughter, love, and honesty. The truth shall set you free. I'm no longer feeling chained down by the weight of uncertainity. I opened my eyes and I exhaled.. On another note, I came across a few of my old writings online. I shared it with my buddy and he was intrigued by the feelings I expressed at such a young age. As I read it, I felt like "damn. something needs to change because these are feelings I know all too well." They say history repeats itself. So tonight I'm sharing with the wall a few links to the old pieces that I found..

Check out http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/
My poet name back in the day was mistyblue

http://thestarlitecafe.com/poems/47/poem_6100247414.html

http://thestarlitecafe.com/poems/54/poem_8233133791.html


wow.. same painful love over and over again.. let's analyze this!

'Unconscious Love'

Very Often My Feelings Wish Me In A Coffin

Six Feet Under My Body's Pain Slumbers

Awakening To The Callings Of Other's Apalling

Lifestyles Begging To Be Changed Redirected And Tamed

Wild Animals Clawing At My Senses

Noticing Everything Is Hidden By Fences

Enclosed Is My Heart Opened And Being Pulled Apart

From The Sadness That Lures The Gladness Is Soft As Fur

Around My Neck Choking Me With Madness

I'm Crazy Over You And I Don't Know What To Do

But Say I Love You More And More Every Day

More Than Life Itself So Since I Can't Have You

There Is No Need To Fight This Hell

I'm Taken Away With Tears My Eyes Swell Up Because I've Been Fuk'd Up My Head Is Ringing Like A Bell I've Slipped Up And Now I Fell(unconscious).

Welcome to KBlissless..

It has been a mighty long time since I've written, let alone blogged. Life has a way of making you do random things at the weirdest times. I find myself in situations doing things that I never thought possible. Why am I writing blogs again? Well, some one confused my saying that I'm writing in the log for writing a blog. Hell, that's a real sign from God. (If you believe in that sort of thing. some days I do some days I don't) "It's time to write again. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today." I'm rusty, I'm dusty, and my writing is down right infantile. Nonetheless, I'm still going to share it with the wall. The same person has been on my mind all day. It sucks because those thoughts caused me to write a piece of kiddie poetry..

running along,
playing in the field
butterflies birds
daffodils
peace of mind
surrounding me
all alone in my
solitude
didn't realize I
was unhappy til
I noticed you
ring around the rosie
rolling down hills
hand in hand
stopping
for a moment picking
daffodils
eyes watery
some one to hold me
rain falling,
gone left lonely
looked for you
nowhere to be found
you ran for shelter
i fell to the ground
her heart
was in question
i learned my lesson
crying, drowning, flooding
daffodils

Anyway, this is the start of an old beginning.. Tah tah for now, I'm going back to the log.