Hiatus...

After careful consideration, I've decided to take a break. I've come to a crossroad. My writings seem to be focused on a very specific subject and I feel it is time to change. I believe, If you change your thoughts, you change the world. I'm ready for new trees to blossom in my mind. I have spent the past few months focusing on deceit, lies, and betrayal. In other words, I've been focusing on hate and pain. Negative thoughts and feelings took over me. Because of that, I wasn't able to notice my many blessings. When I return, I hope to have some new and improved pieces of writings. A new love is on the way and I have a feeling that this one is a genuine and honest keeper. Lata b.spot!

To be continued..

I've had a taste of love.
It was stolen from my mouth.
I fought to have it back.
I ended up shooting myself.
There's a bullet hole in my chest.
Love left me here wounded.
I covered it with a bandage.
Only he can remove it.

See, I'm Kblissless today but this time I'm okay. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, and I'm not replacing love with hate. The snow storm has long passed. A hot head and a cold heart accomplishes nothing. I understand where this path has led me. I'm open to new possibilities and I'm floating free. I have tasted love. Even though it has been taken away from me, I'm not fighting for it anymore. Tonight I will wrap up in my own arms and though I can't reach I'll pretend to rub my own back. I will look in the mirror and tell myself those I loves you I so badly want to hear. I will surprise my own self with gifts of care. I'm no longer looking for him to be my knight in shining or rusty armour. I'm with me and I value you me. If he couldn't see my worth then oh well. I don't care. I've tasted a love that probably was never there. I will not pressure anyone to love me. Either you do or you don't but I know where I stand. 

Fuck!

She said, "Fuck him". I told him, "Fuck you". He asked, "Fuck me, when?" I turned around just to see that he had his dick out! (you got the pussy now go)

Funny? Not really. This shows how the communication between men, women, and friends is totally "fucked up". Love.. What does it mean to you? What does it mean to a man? What does it mean to a woman? What does it mean when she says, "Fuck love"?

Usually, caused by deceit and dishonesty, love becomes a PANG! It becomes that one thing you HATE to want but NEED to have. How can I love you if I don't trust you? How can I believe that you are actually thinking with your brain and not just thinking with you dick when everytime I turn around you are acting like a brainless dick? (Did you "fuck her"? usually the answer is YES but hidden by the response of a no I swear on ... or to ....)

What is it that we are running to then just as fast running from? Yes, love hurts. So does a fucking tattoo!! No, love isn't perfect and love isn't always reciprocated the way we want to be... So what is it that we do with it? Walk away and say "FUCK IT"! Toughen our skin so that the next person that comes along and makes us a little curious, a little eager, a little "turned on" has an even harder time to get in.

What I do know is that I don't know anything at all about this fascinating bullshit called love. However, I love love and although I hate that it hurts at times, it's a pain that I seem to keep running back for more. On the other hand, you can't love me with your dick hanging out. I don't need it. I'd rather "fuck myself". (feel the vibration)

In closing, don't come knocking on my "fucking" door unless you are ready to love me with your heart. The dick line is pretty damn long and I'm not letting any in right now. (my intercom isn't working so buzz off dick)

:(

Woke up this morning
blood dripping from my eyes
pretending to smile
I walked upside down
Swallowing my pride
Was it good enough for you?
Watching her frown
as she shook
Shivered and cried
....

I'm having a difficult time comprehending the evil of this world. Why are people so horrible? Why are people so down right bad? Where is the empathy? At what point do we forget that we are all humans? Some people were just born devilish, selfish, heartless, and careless. This innate passion to make things better is going to be the death of me. I spend so much time worrying about making things better that I can't even get a good night's sleep. My eyes burn, my head hurts, my heart is weak.. But I'm still a fighter. I will selflessly do what I can for who I can while I can. I've been created to make a difference. Some say that I'm too nice. I greet people who I should over look. No, I'm human. You never know what a simple hello can do for a person. The universe has a way of working for and against you. Your natural self will draw both bad and good. If you are a genuinely good hearted person, you will be surrounded by more good than bad. If you are naturally a selfish bad spirited person, you will be hit with a lot of hardship. I wish more people weren't afraid to give and to just help. No, not only people you know, but people you don't know. Anyway, tonight I'm going to cut this short. My head is all over the place. I can't begin to fathom why anyone would harm a 3year old child. My heart aches for all victims of abuse. Goodnight

Short & sweet

I'm opening my heart back up to the universe. It hasn't fully healed and I haven't let go completely but I'm refusing to keep myself guarded. I was asked "how can you be presented with a good man if you continue to hold onto a bad one?" Excellent reality invoking question. Why did I hold on so long? Well, I was given a taste of something I had been craving. I wanted to have that back. I was addicted to that initial high. But just like crack, you never get that first high back. You just keep chasing and chasing until you're fucked up in the game. I'm in rehab. Crack is wack. When you realize some one you love doesn't love you the same way, it causes a detoxing whirlwind. My emotions were all over the place. I was up, I was down, I was happy, I was sad, I was pissed, I was understanding, I felt self pity, I felt self hatred, I can go on and on. The bottom line is this, when you know, you know. Don't be afraid to trust yourself and let go. If it is not your fault, then don't carry the weight of blame. I did everything the way I was supposed to do it. It just didn't work. By next week, I'll be over it. I have taken my life back. I am working on taking my thoughts back. The man who deserves me will be presented to me very soon. He will be able to love me at my worst and flow with me at my best. He will not feel the need to overpower me because he will be secure enough in his manhood that no matter how strong I may seem, he will know his place as head of the household. He will love my free spirit and my insightful nature and he will encourage me to read more. He will be emotionally giving and sensitive enough to feel my feelings without feeling like he is any less of a man. Most importantly he will value my individuality and love the fact that this independent woman needs him. My man will know my worth and won't give me up for any other man to have. I will love him equally. I will see his strengths and help improve his flaws. I will accept what he doesn't want to change and I won't hate him for putting his foot down. I will embrace his dreams and support his decisions. Oh my God, as I type this I'm feeling happy and excited. I'm so eager to embark on this journey. In the meantime, I will work on mending my heart. I'm done wasting time on a guy who isn't truly worth it. It's funny, in the beginning when he asked me if he was worth it, I told him I couldn't answer that question. Now if he were to ask me, I'd say "hell no". Like flava flava said, "YOUR TIME IS UP". I waited long enough for him to fix the problem and come around. He didn't so I know it is over.

Lock Jaw

Too much talking. Too much pseudo-communication. Talking is not enough. There comes a time when you have to take action. If you are not where you want to be in this world or doing the things you want to do, then stop thinking about it and take steps forward. If you are in relationships that aren't going the way you want them to go, if all you find yourself doing is talking, arguing, and complaining, then take steps to do what makes you happy. I've decided along time ago that my happiness is vital. My peace of mind is what will keep me sane while everyone else goes crazy. My contentment cannot be based on some one else's behaviors. I work 2 jobs, I pay my own bills, I find my own shelter, I do my own laundry, I breathe my own oxygen, and I walk on my own two feet. Life goes on. I'm learning to live and laugh. I already have the love part down packed. If you aren't moving forward with me, then you're dead weight and I'm dropping you.
I've decided to take my life back. I have found my place in nature and I'm able to relax. Inhale.... Exhale.... Deep conscious breathing really does help. Although the pain still exists, I no longer feel the need to bash in anyone's skull with a cement block. My anger, my rage is slowly disappearing. Yes, I still hate him but I'm working on that too. I first have to change my perspective. I have to stop feeling victimized. Every second, every minute, and every day is a step toward getting back on track. No more talking about it. My jaw is locked!

letter to me..

Dear my beautiful self,
I have let you down. I have willingly allowed you to place yourself in a situation that caused you nothing but harm. I let you hurt yourself. For that, I have failed you. I apologize. I allowed you to be weakened by lies and to have faith in deceit. I'm sorry. You innocently fell in love with some one who wasn't ready to catch you. I didn't protect you. I'm sorry for allowing you to hear broken promises constantly to believe in them everytime. I'm sorry for causing you to cry and to be sad at times when you should be floating and happy. I should have been stronger for you. I should have built you a tougher wall for protection. While you begged for outside love, I should have stopped you. I should have showered you with self love and limited the endurance of unnecessary pain. I should not have allowed you to offer yourself to a receiver knowing that he wasn't ready for such a delicate and precious gift. I'm sorry that you had to beg for some one to love you just to be left in the end.
So today, I'll make it up to you. I will tell you that you are beautiful especially when you doubt it. I will glorify your intelligence and prove to you that you are smart. I will stop you from waiting and hoping that this guy will call. I will spend my time improving your self love and self trust. I will stop you from thinking about and looking for the guy to come back. I will teach how to let him go. I will offer you distractions of varying types. I will help patch you up and brighten your eyes again. But, first you must learn to forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive me, forgive him and you will grow. You are amazing, you are powerful, you are loving, you are deserving of the utmost respect and care this world has to offer. You are valuable. Don't waste it on anger, on hate, on longing for something that doesn't exist. Next you must learn acceptance. Not all people belong in your life. Let them go. Let him go. He lied and ppl lie when they are weak. You are strong. Lastly, you will learn courage. Move on. Try something new. Be around open minded excited ppl. Surround yourself with peace.
I love you.
From Self

Healing..

Today I am smiling. Reality has set in. I was duped by a loser. He reached while I settled. I'm so over the facade of love created by this beast. He had no soul and he had no heart. He had shifty eyes with a serpent's tongue. He achieved a notch in his belt. That's fine. One win but too bad he doesn't have the grand prize. I was a fool smitten by an overweight, insecure, insensitive demon. Ha, evil doesn't prevail this time. I'm repaired. Time wasted on a guy who uses love as a fishing pole, no longer. I released the bait and jumped out of the sea. I'm no longer an option. There is probably one fish left in that sea for him to catch. It's a puny little gold fish with no spine. A funny looking fish that not many men want. Trust me, I've seen the fish and I've shown the fish and everyone's thoughts are the same. Ilk! Who would want that fish in their bowl? Lol, this beast has no beauty only a goldfish for love. Fat ppl need to pay like they weigh so they can stay baby.. Over and Out.
AlphaRaine drops the mic and exits stage left...

broken.

When you know, you know. Trust your instincts. It is natures quiet gift.
Life is a journey of risks. We are born with two fears; the fear of a loud sound and the fear of falling.
My instincts were screaming loudly as I took the risk to fall. I awoke from my unconscious state surrounded by a pool of blood caused by the deep gaping hole in my chest. I struggled to catch my breath as I realized I was drowning in my own tears that no one attempted to wipe up. Hurt! Damaged! Alone! I slowly became aware that in the end, life goes on as long as your brain is not dead. If you can feel the pain, then you can figure out how to heal. Today, I'm my own doctor. I am my own nurse. I am my own surgeon painfully struggling to restore the broken pieces. There is no anesthesia to numb this excruciating pain but my brain won't let me quit. I hate that I love love. It is such a painfully pleasurable pain. What goes up must come down unless it is in a place to defy gravity. I leaped into the arms of a turned back. I guess I landed at the wrong time. Broken.