Tears

Dear God,
I have faith that your will is the right way. Your path is a righteous one. But I write to you in tears. Not tears for my own pain but in tears for those who are struggling. I write to you in tears for those who know pain all too well. I have witnessed complete strangers dying and it hurts me to see them suffer. I cry tears asking for them to receive blessings and feel the peace of your miracles. Today my prayer is for those who are weary, worried, and downtrodden. I watch people who can barely afford to by toilet tissue. I wish there was something more I could do to help but my complete faith is in you and your ability to ease the pain. I don't understand why there is so much suffering, abuse, hurt, pain, and disease here on Earth. I am just asking you to rid as much of it as you can. I hate that people have to suffer. God, please protect your children and show them their paths to you. Thank you for all that you have done for me. I appreciate every lesson no matter how hard it was to learn, I appreciate every sign no matter how much I struggled to see it, and I appreciate every clear blessing that has eased my heart and mind. I'm not perfect here on Earth and I am grateful that with my imperfections you are continuing to bless my life. As you order my steps, I'm trying my hardest to move my feet. Thank You for not giving up.
THANK YOU!

King "Henry" LED

HUH!!! Abruptly awakened.
I closed my eyes.
Eyes wide shut, looking all around.
Blinded, I can see clearly now.
I was given sight.
Visionary masterpiece, perfection in the making.
Lead me.
Pushing forward, moving me to my destination.
Scenery sharpened, High Definition quality.
My path has been made clear with the power of prayer.
Meditating on gratitude.
I am grateful for you.
You came to me at a time when I was ready.
You are here now.
I see you now.
I want you now.
I can love you now.
Your love doesn't hurt.
Your love is patient, patiently waiting for me to tame the bitch inside.
She's not as bad as I thought.
I'm not as bad as you thought.
You never thought I was bad.
You were scared.
She was just afraid too, afraid of you, love.
She ran away from you because of insecurities.
Nervousness fluttered her heart.
My heart is sacred.
She fought you because of her lack of control.
But, I'm here now.
I'm inside with her, with my 20/20 vision.
Showing her you and loving her too.
I'm awakened!

Confetti

Sprinkling you with words that confuse
Beauty to the eye
Pain to the heart
Sprinkling you with words that blind
Celebrating your hurt
Hiding behind my wounds
Sprinkling you with words that bruise
Loving you at a distance
Hating you up close
I'm sorry I didn't love you the way you deserved.


To You,
My lost love.
My broken-hearted companion.
The most beautiful being I've ever be blessed with, I must say "I'm sorry".

Dear my former beloved,
You loved me and I didn't see it. I'm sorry. You wanted me and I didn't feel it. I'm sorry. Not knowing the depth of your heart, the willingness of your soul, I hurt you in a way that words can't be told. I'm sorry. I thought I loved you but I didn't show it or maybe I didn't mean it. For deceitfulness, I'm sorry. I manipulated you, had you thinking you were doing wrong. I made you think you had a winner when all in all I was a loser. I lost you. I put you through hell to make you think you were getting to Heaven. It wasn't true. I didn't know how to love. I didn't love me. I couldn't love you. I didn't know how to love what you represented. Trusting you? Trusting myself? Trusting the present and trusting the future. As I sit and reflect, no excuses. No reasons why, just the purest sincerist apology. You are a wonderful being and I was lucky to have a chance to experience you in your unalloyed form. I should have wiped your tears when you cried. I should have soothed your body when you hurt. I should have helped you up when you were falling. I'm sorry.

Headache

Boom boom booming
Throbbing pounding paining
Pain in my head
pain in my heart
Pain in my body
The pain in my mind
I wish the pain didn't start.

We are all born into the world with the slightest understanding of what life really means. We are conceived by the meeting of an egg and a sperm. In the womb, some of us are protected and shielded from emotional pain. Some us aren't. Some of us are born into a world filled with chaos and unpredictability. While some of us are given the comfort and structure of a loving family knowing our needs will always be met. KABOOM!
Development and time work hand in hand to change the simple basics and make them more and more complicated. Reality sets in and life is nothing but a journey toward death. This journey is mixed with obstacles, discoveries, pleasurable sites and feelings. But that feeling of love for another person is the most pleasurable, confusing, longest lasting, and most painful part of this journey.

To Be Continued.......

Need You To Survive

Dear God,
I'm not depressed or anything. I'm not fighting suicidal thoughts. But I'm wondering, when are things going to get better for me? They recite, "Cast your (my) burdens upon me (you)". And God believe me I try. But I'm constantly wondering, "when are things going to get better for me?" Sometimes I cry. You know, "WHAT DID I DO???" I try my best to play it safe. Away from people, I stay. Then I get lonely. I get sooooo lonely that I think I'm going crazy. I bring myself out of my shell. I find that all these people like me. Then I get scared, worried, nervous and I disappear. I see all these problems in people that I am able to help them fix. Then my life turns for the worse and these people no longer exist. I'm alone. I get sad, I get depressed, and then I become hateful. I hate deceit. I hate lies. I hate misconceptions. So I try to be honest at all times. You get what you give, right? I get "you use the wrong tone". It's not what you say, it is how you say. I shut up and don't say anything because "the truth hurts". I get looked at as too soft. I'm a push over. So I toughen up. I'm too aggressive. I isolate myself. You're not approachable. I become too trusting of the wrong type. I become suspicious of the overly honest self and I run. All alone and scared but I cast my burdens upon you God and appreciate what I am. I am grateful. My crutch. The reason why I wake up and start talking. I smile, aware of what I do have. I'm alone realizing things are always getting better for me. I'm blessed. Thank You.
Your Earthly Angel

I walk the path of righteousness not because it is easy. I walk this path because it is hard. And every day I wake up, fearful that it is getting too hard, I look back and remember where I came from and where I could have been. So I keep on walking full force ahead.

Share

Share with me your struggle
I promise I won't cry
Share with me your confusion and pain
I promise I won't lie
Share with me your loneliness
I promise I won't leave
Share with me your lack of trust
I promise not to deceive
Tell me your entire story
I promise I will listen
Release it all over to me
I promise you a clear vision

I have taken many moments to reflect. I stand at the edge of the pond and I look down. I look at my reflection and I process it all. I'm not afraid of what I see. I actually love every bit of it. I'm not afraid of what I discover. It's me. All of it is me; an amazing treasure. But, because I agreed to be honest, I will say, at times I'm afraid of what I share with others. What I reflect to others scares the shit out of me. Why? Because I'm not in control. I'm not in control of a person's perspective or perception. This lack of control causes frustration. For me, frustration causes anger. I'm tired of anger. I'm tired of the mind-gripping, chest-tightening, skull-exploding, evil thought provoking, relationship shattering anger that takes over. I'm afraid of fear, I'm afraid of anger, and I'm afraid of others' jacked-up, self-unaware, bruised-ego having perception. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! But, that's my struggle and that's my journey.

Don't be afraid to fully revisit your past and your present. Don't be afraid to take an inventory of your mental files. Don't be afraid to release them to others. Once you are able to let go of negativity, fear, sadness, and hurt, you will allow there to be room for positivity, love, happiness, and blessings to come into your life.
Good day

Twins

Ugh,
First let me say, I'm not in a bad space. I'm not angry, miserable, or sad. I'm ok. I'm honestly able to say I'm okay. The ugh represents my mind. My thoughts are overwhelming me; causing me to feel a bit of anxiety in my chest. I don't like it. I feel like my head is filled with helium and gravel. What a combination!? The peace and freedom that I felt is slowly being smoldered. I feel a bit lost, I feel a bit uncomfortable. Aha.. I'm uncomfortable. The problem is, I don't have a plan. I don't have clear goals that I'm working to acheive. So what do I do? I need to write it out. I need to meditate, brainstorm, and focus. DAMN IT.. That word focus is a killer. How the hell do I focus with an over active brain? I write. I write. I write and I write until it all makes sense. I want so much, I want to do so much, and I want to be apart of a movement. How do I do accomplish this? I need self-discipline.. UGH!! A big fat UGH! Discipline sucks. Self Discipline and Focusing go hand in hand. They are partners in crime. They are the siamese twins that work together to get you to SUCCESS. That's where I want to be. I want to be on the island of spiritual, emotional, and mental success. I need transportation. Well, I better get to writing or else I will end up dying from an overactive brain filled with want, ideas, thoughts, and distraction!

Ladder

One Step up,
I look down,
I'm okay.
Two Steps up,
I look down,
yep, I'm still okay.
I've made it to the 5th step.
I look down,
The butterflies began to move.
Nervousness starts to creep in.
But, I'm okay.
I climb some more.
One more.
Two more.
Three more.
I resist the urge to look down.
I climb six more steps.
I look down.
WHOAaa...
I'm dizzy.
I'm scared.
I'm about to panic.
GOD HELP ME!
I don't know if I can go on.

My heart hurts. I hate it. I hate the nerves that end in my delicate love muscle. Super sensitive, left to feel; I feel every damn thing. I hate the thoughts that float in my over active, hyper aware, thinking muscle. Ideas, hopes, dreams and wishes fighting one another to understand reality. My muscles don't work together. My brain and my heart seem to hate each other. They lead my body and soul into conflict. I'm asking, I'm begging, I'm pleading, and I'm PRAYING! Make this easier for me. Make the rest of this journey easy for me.

temporary rejection letter

Dear Mr.,
I appreciate your interest in the position of loving me. Due to the quality of applicants, I have decided to no longer offer this as a position. Although your application shows potentional, your work history shows a lot of need for improvement. If you had gotten your application in earlier when I was willing to work with you as we both developed and improved, I'm sure the position would have been great for you. At this time, I'm in no position to train a new applicant. I will keep your resume on file as the primary candidate if at any time I'm interested in reoffering the position.
Yours Truly,
Alpha Raine

What am I doing? d4

Good Morning.
I have made it to day 4. Yesterday was crazy. I woke up at 5:30am. Me up at 5:30? Omg.. Crazy. So around 7:45, I forced myself back to sleep. It was difficult but I finally fell asleep and woke up at 8:45 to my alarm. My body felt as if I were sleeping really hard and deep. It was a weird uncomfortable feeling but I managed to go back to sleep. Around 9 oclock, I woke up abrubtly, feeling as if I had been sleeping for hours. I layed still for a few hours, while my disoriented body and mind became one. I got up around 11 to make my first juice, strawberry blueberry juice. I had energy. I cleaned my apt, took a shower, and walked to work with Cody. The walked must have drained me because I was instantly dehydrated and HUNGRY. I cheated. I had chicken broth and a corner of salad with grilled chicken. The best damn broth and salad I ever had. I didn't have mind clarity though. I was sluggish and had an inability to focus. I wanted food so badly. I wanted a salad and falafels. I purposely left my money home so that I would end up ordering food. I walked thinking about food. My legs kept feeling like I was about to get a Charlie Horse. I finally made it home. I fed Cody and then I juicer Spinach, Apple, and Cucumber. I could not wait to feel that juice in my body. I sat on my sofa and drank. All of a sudden I felt high. This lasted for 3 minutes. It was crazy. I wasn't light headed but I had this really weird intoxicated feeling. I also felt when it was leaving my body too. That was the best part of the day. Lol.. I had the worst cravings for the rest of the night. It was torture. I angrily went to bed thinking about food.
CRAZY DREAM
There were about 7 of us on a sectional in some one's apartment. 3 guys were on my left smoking. We were all cracking jokes and I made a joke about one guy's thumb size. He became angry and tried to s.assault me. I asked for help but no one seemed to be able to help. I finally mustered up enough strength to get him out. He came back pounding on the door. He also had ppl in the hallway stepping. I wouldn't let him in so he got security to knock. We still didn't let him in. I woke up.
Welcome day 4.

What am I doing?

Today is the day that I have given myself. I have given myself this day to officially start my temporary juicing lifestyle. I am sick..

I've struggled with getting back to my old, healthy, confident self for a few months now. I planned to start this juicing lifestyle yesterday. I made a delicious juice with asparagus, carrots, apples, oranges, and ginger. It was good but I was still hungry. I began feeling the symptoms of a cold. I found my excuse to eat. I devoured two large plates of fried chicken, mac n cheese, potato salad, mac salad, and a little bit of string beans. I was so full, I could barely speak. That didn't stop me from getting two plates of dump cake (some peach and apple cobbler looking thing) I was in Heaven. But, I didn't feel better.

I woke up this morning with body pains, a headache, stuffy nose, stuffy ears, runny nose, runny eyes, and a sneeze/cough. Oh well, I have to juice. I have no more time for excuses. Today is April 1st. I'm not juicing with a mission. Hopefully I will get one over time. I just want to lose weight. We all know, weightloss mission end up back firing. Once you lose the weight, you end up gaining it back. Anyway, I made spinach, garlic, carrot, lemon, and cayenne pepper juice today. I hope it helps me feel better.

I will keep you posted.

I am My Sisters' Keeper

Wake up my sister
Pink Brown and Gold
The time is moving forward
Age is growing old

Don't hide yourself in darkness
The curtains are drawn
You have light in your heart
Happiness will be born

We have work to do
No room for misery and depression
Lean on my shoulder
While we find your passion and aggression

(will try to finish later)........

I am my sisters' keeper. I will not beat you down. My promise is to cheer you up. No fraudulent lies just honesty and truth. I won't steal from you. I promise to you generosity when you're in need. I won't judge you only encourage. I love you for your difference; I love you for your similarity. I may not give you money but I promise you empowerment. I have faith in you my sisters of various colors. I won't be able to climb to the top for you but I will hold the ladder.

My personal mission statement... I am my sisters' keeper. Life doesn't promise an easy journey or a smooth ride. The potholes, the rubble, and the missing directions make for a traumatic experience if done alone. Don't be afraid my sister, I'm in the passenger seat. I'm on the phone, reading you the directions from Google. No worries, I lent you my gps. And if you need a break, I have an extra room just for you.

fear

I am me. That is that.
But I'm scared. I'm scared of who I am. I'm scared of my feelings, my experiences, I'm scared of me. I am not a perfectly constructed jewel wrapped up all fancy and packaged in a cute little box tied together with a pretty little ribbon. I'm Bee Gee. I'm a naturally made stone corroded by experience, polished by life, and packaged by education in a gift bag with tissue paper. & I'm so damn scared. I've been judged, ignored, hated, loved, admired, respected, disrespected, insulted, praised, and all that confusion jumbled all up in my brain smothers me. Smothers my freedom to just be me.

Self Help

The journey to emotional wellness isn't an easy one. I have not arrived. I'm still trekking toward my final destination. Some days are better than others but most days are no where near as bad as they have been. I'm grateful.
As I continue to travel toward the top of my mountain, I pick berries with more confidence. I have learned which ones are edible and which ones are poisonous. I have learned to trust my judgement. What once seemed too risky, is now done fearlessly and with faith. I'm still cautious about hidden obstacles, but I figure, I'll worry about them when they're presented to me. At times, I feel all alone and find myself filling up with sadness. I haven't yet figured out the best way to handle it. Sadness.... Hmmm.. Mr. Sadness loves to join me unexpectedly. Soon I will either learn to welcome him without the feeling of annoyance or he just won't want to come around anymore... To be continued

Fairy Tale Night Mare

I met a man today.
I'm addicted to you
His name is rejection.
I'm addicted to you
His poles are magnetic.
There is no cure
I love him already.
There is no cure
Pain found in his eyes
I'm addicted to you
There my soul will live.
I'm addicted to you
Forever
There is no cure
There is no cure

I dried my tears long ago
But my heart still cries and cries.
I'm hypnotized by his pain
I'm addicted to his reflection
There is no cure for this
I've fallen in love already.

He hasn't given me anything, nothing of what I've asked. But no matter how bad I hate him, I just want him more and more. His denial will never let him know how I really love him. He lives true to his name. His name is rejection and my heart lives in his pain.

Over & Out Mr. Arrogant

Lesson

giving a *BIG SMILE* as I say "HELLO".

My spirit and my mind are going through changes which are causing my body to feel funny. I'm feeling anxiety, happiness, excitement, nervousness, discomfort and of course moments of anger (my comfort emotion) all at the same time.
As I laid on my couch, tired and sleepy, my chest had that feeling of Oh... My... God... You know the tightness that takes over right at the moment of a sudden drop? That's how I felt at bedtime last night. My eyes were barely able to stay open yet my heart was racing as if I was on a rollercoaster. My life is changing. My world is changing. I realize wonderful, amazing, great things are happening that (a moment of realization) I have no control over. I'm loving it!
I know I have prayers and mediations regarding me coming from all over the world. SHOUT OUT to you spectacular people YOUR WELL WISHES ARE WORKING. Thank You.

Now for the meat and potatoes...
Embracing the imperfections of others- My one and only goal for the day. Again, I was awaken by the screams and the crying of a baby next door. At 5 in the morning, I must add. I wanted to bang on the wall and yell "Shut that Damn baby up!" until it dawned on me that maybe I just need to relax. I know the girl is going through something and she has her kids living in a studio apartment with her uncle. That can't be the best situation for any of them. Their imperfect situation may cause me some discomfort but I have my own space. (although Cody makes it hard for me to sleep comfortably by taking up all my leg room) Instead of complaining, I did what any normal person would do, I got on Facebook. Ha, but Facebook got me good. I immediately became disgusted at a picture a college bud had posted. It was a pic with two wrist and two razor blades. It was an image showing the right and wrong ways to slit your wrist. I felt my blood bubbling and my head getting ready to explode. I took a deep breath and commented on how horrible the pic was and how not funny he was to post it. His lack of knowledge and sensitivity is his problem. No he isn't perfect, so I needed to let go of the irritation and just educate him to the best of my ability. I also need to be prepared to accept whether he wants to be educated or not. Anyway, my lessons are starting early. Bring it! I am a good student so I'm ready. Have a great day people. Oh yea, excuse my typos. I'm not perfect. ;)

Who Am I!? I'm Venting..

Today a question was asked on some one's Facebook status: "Are you black or African American?"

My adrenaline started rushing.. I began to tense up a bit. I had to take a deeeeeep inhale as I stared at the computer screen. I began to feel this intense yearning to respond. So I did.
"I'm both."
That was my simple yet completely true answer. Once I pressed enter, I felt relieved until I read some one else's response. A response that showed annoyance
I turned to my two white co-workers and then asked, "You two as white women, do you get offended if some one was to identify you by the color of your skin? Meaning, if some one said '....the white girl with the blonde hair.'" They both said no, it isn't a big deal to them. One proceeded to ask me would I get offended if some one was to identify me as the black girl in the room. I answered no I wouldn't but some people do. Some people actually do find it offensive to be identified by their race or the color of their skin or their nationality or ethnicity or whatever the hell being called black or white identifies…. But to me, it is just like being differentiated from a male or a person who is tall or has long hair, it is a part of me. A part of me that I’m fighting to not be ashamed of, A part of me that has a struggle attached to it, A part of me that separates me from yellow people, white people, and green people.
Anyway, I just needed a moment to vent. My brain is filled with stereotypes for all races. One thing that I can’t stand though is white people who pretend not to notice the struggle or pretend that certain statements are overly offensive unnecessarily. Stop hiding. Some stereotypes are actually fitting and we don’t have to ignore or turn a blind eye to them.

Enlightenment

"Nothing can dim the light which shines from within."

Hearing the twilight zone theme song playing in the background; I felt crazy for a while now. In my brain crawled millions of tiny ants. My eyes couldn't focus. When I stared at my target, the lens was blurry. I couldn't see clearly, but now BULLSEYE! I see the word "Enlightenment".

I was trying to zoom in on the wrong thing. I was begging for junk food while my body was fighting for nourishment. That didn't matter, the taste was so good. so temporary but so good. so unhealthy, but so. damn. good. 21 days to break a habit. Lies, blasphemy, nonsense. 1 moment, 1 thought, 1 realization to stop the constant banging in my head, the constant banging of my head into a brick wall. One deep inhale, eyes closed, looking deep into my soul followed by one exhale to allow my eyes to open and be amazed at how clearly I can see.

Enlightenment isn't an outside entity that suddenly goes off like a light bulb above your head. Enlightment comes from within. (The attainment of spiritual knowledge or insight, esp. (in Buddhism) that which frees a person from the cycle of rebirth.) I don't want to be born again. I want to live for the very first time. I want to live freely. I want to feel ALIVE. I found my insight that was lost to outsight, out side searching for what was never there because I have it all in here.

PEACE!

Acceptance

Brown skin
Black Kinky hair
Thick not thin
Dark Brown eyes
Searching for acceptance

As I ponder about what to write.. I realize acceptance is hard to find when using eyes looking outward. How do I peer into my soul, into my body, into my mind? How do I learn to accept what is and not fight for what could be? How do I stop wanting what is not or stop trying to make it a should be? Hmmm.. New thought, Acceptance vs. Hope..Faith..Want..Yearning for what? Acceptance?
Well, I am who I am and that is that but wait. Then why am I striving to improve? My continuous need to improve my so-called unacceptable character flaws proves that acceptance is a flaw within itself. What happens when my self image is constantly being damaged by the descriptions of others? We all need people. We aren't in this world alone right? So how can I say, don't let the views, opinions, and the disapprovals of others affect my own thoughts?

Answers: Acceptance starts with realizing that I must continue to move forward regardless of what is unacceptable. Acceptance comes from just being and dealing with what is existing, happening, feeling, occuring at this very second and not doing anything with it. So, I accept my dark skin tone, I accept my thick hair, I accept my piercing eyes, I accept my full body, and most importantly I accept my mind. This is me at this very moment and there is nothing I can do about it. I also accept that when it is time for me to change, improve, or let go of something in my life, it will happen.

Acceptance.. Enlightenment..

Rebirth

I'm born again!
Please hold the applause. It is just the same ole AlphaRaine, just reincarnated. When I left, I was a bitter, sad, hurt, scorned, and angry soul. My heart had been tarnished and my mind was full of blame. My body felt weak and I became hopeless. My emotions took over. I was a slave stuck in the dungeon of pain, of confusion, of hatred. I was so powerless that I wished for death. It was the only way out. Death was the tiny roach out of the torture. Well I died and came back to life. :) Now I can ACCEPT the applause. Thank you. Thank you. Stay tuned for the next blog on acceptance.