Ugh,
First let me say, I'm not in a bad space. I'm not angry, miserable, or sad. I'm ok. I'm honestly able to say I'm okay. The ugh represents my mind. My thoughts are overwhelming me; causing me to feel a bit of anxiety in my chest. I don't like it. I feel like my head is filled with helium and gravel. What a combination!? The peace and freedom that I felt is slowly being smoldered. I feel a bit lost, I feel a bit uncomfortable. Aha.. I'm uncomfortable. The problem is, I don't have a plan. I don't have clear goals that I'm working to acheive. So what do I do? I need to write it out. I need to meditate, brainstorm, and focus. DAMN IT.. That word focus is a killer. How the hell do I focus with an over active brain? I write. I write. I write and I write until it all makes sense. I want so much, I want to do so much, and I want to be apart of a movement. How do I do accomplish this? I need self-discipline.. UGH!! A big fat UGH! Discipline sucks. Self Discipline and Focusing go hand in hand. They are partners in crime. They are the siamese twins that work together to get you to SUCCESS. That's where I want to be. I want to be on the island of spiritual, emotional, and mental success. I need transportation. Well, I better get to writing or else I will end up dying from an overactive brain filled with want, ideas, thoughts, and distraction!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Ladder
One Step up,
I look down,
I'm okay.
Two Steps up,
I look down,
yep, I'm still okay.
I've made it to the 5th step.
I look down,
The butterflies began to move.
Nervousness starts to creep in.
But, I'm okay.
I climb some more.
One more.
Two more.
Three more.
I resist the urge to look down.
I climb six more steps.
I look down.
WHOAaa...
I'm dizzy.
I'm scared.
I'm about to panic.
GOD HELP ME!
I don't know if I can go on.
My heart hurts. I hate it. I hate the nerves that end in my delicate love muscle. Super sensitive, left to feel; I feel every damn thing. I hate the thoughts that float in my over active, hyper aware, thinking muscle. Ideas, hopes, dreams and wishes fighting one another to understand reality. My muscles don't work together. My brain and my heart seem to hate each other. They lead my body and soul into conflict. I'm asking, I'm begging, I'm pleading, and I'm PRAYING! Make this easier for me. Make the rest of this journey easy for me.
I look down,
I'm okay.
Two Steps up,
I look down,
yep, I'm still okay.
I've made it to the 5th step.
I look down,
The butterflies began to move.
Nervousness starts to creep in.
But, I'm okay.
I climb some more.
One more.
Two more.
Three more.
I resist the urge to look down.
I climb six more steps.
I look down.
WHOAaa...
I'm dizzy.
I'm scared.
I'm about to panic.
GOD HELP ME!
I don't know if I can go on.
My heart hurts. I hate it. I hate the nerves that end in my delicate love muscle. Super sensitive, left to feel; I feel every damn thing. I hate the thoughts that float in my over active, hyper aware, thinking muscle. Ideas, hopes, dreams and wishes fighting one another to understand reality. My muscles don't work together. My brain and my heart seem to hate each other. They lead my body and soul into conflict. I'm asking, I'm begging, I'm pleading, and I'm PRAYING! Make this easier for me. Make the rest of this journey easy for me.
Monday, April 9, 2012
temporary rejection letter
Dear Mr.,
I appreciate your interest in the position of loving me. Due to the quality of applicants, I have decided to no longer offer this as a position. Although your application shows potentional, your work history shows a lot of need for improvement. If you had gotten your application in earlier when I was willing to work with you as we both developed and improved, I'm sure the position would have been great for you. At this time, I'm in no position to train a new applicant. I will keep your resume on file as the primary candidate if at any time I'm interested in reoffering the position.
Yours Truly,
Alpha Raine
I appreciate your interest in the position of loving me. Due to the quality of applicants, I have decided to no longer offer this as a position. Although your application shows potentional, your work history shows a lot of need for improvement. If you had gotten your application in earlier when I was willing to work with you as we both developed and improved, I'm sure the position would have been great for you. At this time, I'm in no position to train a new applicant. I will keep your resume on file as the primary candidate if at any time I'm interested in reoffering the position.
Yours Truly,
Alpha Raine
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
What am I doing? d4
Good Morning.
I have made it to day 4. Yesterday was crazy. I woke up at 5:30am. Me up at 5:30? Omg.. Crazy. So around 7:45, I forced myself back to sleep. It was difficult but I finally fell asleep and woke up at 8:45 to my alarm. My body felt as if I were sleeping really hard and deep. It was a weird uncomfortable feeling but I managed to go back to sleep. Around 9 oclock, I woke up abrubtly, feeling as if I had been sleeping for hours. I layed still for a few hours, while my disoriented body and mind became one. I got up around 11 to make my first juice, strawberry blueberry juice. I had energy. I cleaned my apt, took a shower, and walked to work with Cody. The walked must have drained me because I was instantly dehydrated and HUNGRY. I cheated. I had chicken broth and a corner of salad with grilled chicken. The best damn broth and salad I ever had. I didn't have mind clarity though. I was sluggish and had an inability to focus. I wanted food so badly. I wanted a salad and falafels. I purposely left my money home so that I would end up ordering food. I walked thinking about food. My legs kept feeling like I was about to get a Charlie Horse. I finally made it home. I fed Cody and then I juicer Spinach, Apple, and Cucumber. I could not wait to feel that juice in my body. I sat on my sofa and drank. All of a sudden I felt high. This lasted for 3 minutes. It was crazy. I wasn't light headed but I had this really weird intoxicated feeling. I also felt when it was leaving my body too. That was the best part of the day. Lol.. I had the worst cravings for the rest of the night. It was torture. I angrily went to bed thinking about food.
CRAZY DREAM
There were about 7 of us on a sectional in some one's apartment. 3 guys were on my left smoking. We were all cracking jokes and I made a joke about one guy's thumb size. He became angry and tried to s.assault me. I asked for help but no one seemed to be able to help. I finally mustered up enough strength to get him out. He came back pounding on the door. He also had ppl in the hallway stepping. I wouldn't let him in so he got security to knock. We still didn't let him in. I woke up.
Welcome day 4.
I have made it to day 4. Yesterday was crazy. I woke up at 5:30am. Me up at 5:30? Omg.. Crazy. So around 7:45, I forced myself back to sleep. It was difficult but I finally fell asleep and woke up at 8:45 to my alarm. My body felt as if I were sleeping really hard and deep. It was a weird uncomfortable feeling but I managed to go back to sleep. Around 9 oclock, I woke up abrubtly, feeling as if I had been sleeping for hours. I layed still for a few hours, while my disoriented body and mind became one. I got up around 11 to make my first juice, strawberry blueberry juice. I had energy. I cleaned my apt, took a shower, and walked to work with Cody. The walked must have drained me because I was instantly dehydrated and HUNGRY. I cheated. I had chicken broth and a corner of salad with grilled chicken. The best damn broth and salad I ever had. I didn't have mind clarity though. I was sluggish and had an inability to focus. I wanted food so badly. I wanted a salad and falafels. I purposely left my money home so that I would end up ordering food. I walked thinking about food. My legs kept feeling like I was about to get a Charlie Horse. I finally made it home. I fed Cody and then I juicer Spinach, Apple, and Cucumber. I could not wait to feel that juice in my body. I sat on my sofa and drank. All of a sudden I felt high. This lasted for 3 minutes. It was crazy. I wasn't light headed but I had this really weird intoxicated feeling. I also felt when it was leaving my body too. That was the best part of the day. Lol.. I had the worst cravings for the rest of the night. It was torture. I angrily went to bed thinking about food.
CRAZY DREAM
There were about 7 of us on a sectional in some one's apartment. 3 guys were on my left smoking. We were all cracking jokes and I made a joke about one guy's thumb size. He became angry and tried to s.assault me. I asked for help but no one seemed to be able to help. I finally mustered up enough strength to get him out. He came back pounding on the door. He also had ppl in the hallway stepping. I wouldn't let him in so he got security to knock. We still didn't let him in. I woke up.
Welcome day 4.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
What am I doing?
Today is the day that I have given myself. I have given myself this day to officially start my temporary juicing lifestyle. I am sick..
I've struggled with getting back to my old, healthy, confident self for a few months now. I planned to start this juicing lifestyle yesterday. I made a delicious juice with asparagus, carrots, apples, oranges, and ginger. It was good but I was still hungry. I began feeling the symptoms of a cold. I found my excuse to eat. I devoured two large plates of fried chicken, mac n cheese, potato salad, mac salad, and a little bit of string beans. I was so full, I could barely speak. That didn't stop me from getting two plates of dump cake (some peach and apple cobbler looking thing) I was in Heaven. But, I didn't feel better.
I woke up this morning with body pains, a headache, stuffy nose, stuffy ears, runny nose, runny eyes, and a sneeze/cough. Oh well, I have to juice. I have no more time for excuses. Today is April 1st. I'm not juicing with a mission. Hopefully I will get one over time. I just want to lose weight. We all know, weightloss mission end up back firing. Once you lose the weight, you end up gaining it back. Anyway, I made spinach, garlic, carrot, lemon, and cayenne pepper juice today. I hope it helps me feel better.
I will keep you posted.
I've struggled with getting back to my old, healthy, confident self for a few months now. I planned to start this juicing lifestyle yesterday. I made a delicious juice with asparagus, carrots, apples, oranges, and ginger. It was good but I was still hungry. I began feeling the symptoms of a cold. I found my excuse to eat. I devoured two large plates of fried chicken, mac n cheese, potato salad, mac salad, and a little bit of string beans. I was so full, I could barely speak. That didn't stop me from getting two plates of dump cake (some peach and apple cobbler looking thing) I was in Heaven. But, I didn't feel better.
I woke up this morning with body pains, a headache, stuffy nose, stuffy ears, runny nose, runny eyes, and a sneeze/cough. Oh well, I have to juice. I have no more time for excuses. Today is April 1st. I'm not juicing with a mission. Hopefully I will get one over time. I just want to lose weight. We all know, weightloss mission end up back firing. Once you lose the weight, you end up gaining it back. Anyway, I made spinach, garlic, carrot, lemon, and cayenne pepper juice today. I hope it helps me feel better.
I will keep you posted.
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